Can we talk about the two events, in the last twelve hours, that have made me want to crawl under a chair and hide??? The first event should have been incredible. Jeremiah and Taylor (my sister) have been working on four or five songs that they would perform together at John David’s (Taylor’s husband) medical school class fundraiser. It was a fun goal to work towards for two really talented musicians–and I’m not biased or anything, they really are incredible.

Things were going along well until sometime Sunday afternoon when I heard John David say that this performance would be A) at Zydeco (a big bar downtown) and B) our two little John Denveresque performers would be playing between two full bands. Some scrounging around happened, and they were able to procure and practice with a bongo player…raising the cool level at least a little…a very little 🙂

Y’all I wish you could have been with me as I stepped through the double doors into this bar last night. It was a big room, painted solid black, with low ceilings, a large hoard of people banging their heads in front of the stage, and something akin to Marilyn Manson in cowboy boots screeching onstage with his shirt all the way unbuttoned. I looked over at Ashley and Josh (my BIL and SIL who came with me to support their brother) and said (screamed as loud as I could to be heard over the music), “I feel like I’ve walked into a very bad dream!”

When we found our two performers sitting by the stage, we all just had to laugh until we cried at what they were about to do. It felt like throwing my husband and sister to a pack of wolves as I smiled and held my big-fat-Mom-camera on the front row.

Even with the awkward music shift, I think we would have been ok, because they are that good–with their little harmonies and Taylor’s siren voice and Jeremiah’s banjo twangin‘ right stout–but there was no time for a soundcheck and the instruments were turned up WAY louder than their voices (which is probably ok if you’re screeching like Van Halen, but not so much if you’re trying to actually make beautiful sounds together), there was a massive amount of feedback on the monitors, and and and…the first song was just really, really bad y’all. There’s no way around it. The kinks got worked out a lil bit by the third song, but all in all, it made me mad that nobody could appreciate all their effort and talent because of a stupid sound system/sound mechanic (who Josh, I might add, was going toe-to-toe with in the back of the room and I thought we might have a brawl–sweet brother).

Ok, let’s leave that event and head on with me to this morning…and THE spray tan. I have not been to the tanning bed since…college. When you’re on a budget like we are, that’s one little luxury that I said goodbye to without missing it too bad. However, I keep hearing about the wonders of the spray tan. No skin cancer or leather skin AND you can look tan, sign me up! Right? But, I was leery of the orange factor. Mom and I did a lot of experimenting with the self-tanners when I was inhighschool, and you can believe I had a disaster or two.

So the weddings (the only events in my life that might be worthy of splurging on a spray tan) have come and gone and I’ve shied away from the spray, scared that I might look like an OompaLumpa in pictures that would be on somebody’s wall for a lifetime. But this Saturday night, I have a real-live cocktail party to attend, and guess who’s going to try and wear a backless dress? I took one look at my winter-white skin against the purple of the dress and decided it was time to brave the spray tan.

The lady I made my appointment with was super nice (and chatty) and I went ahead and asked her the question that I’d been even more nervous about than the orange-skin possibility…”What am I supposed to wear while you spray me???” Her answer, “Most people just wear panties so they won’t have tan lines, but you might want to wear a thong…” “WWWWWHHHHAAAAATTTTTTT?????????!!!!!!!!!!!”

I marched in there this morning, (with Mary Aplin in tow, I might add) and I got down to my lil’est skivvies in a small room with a complete stranger. I was freezing cold, and as I stood with my arms and legs spread, and she spray-painted me, I laughed and laughed and laughed and asked her, “Do you ever wonder at the humiliation people (ME!) are willing to go through just to look a little bit prettier on one night??” She said, “I think about it all the time, now could you please squat a little so that you won’t have smiley-faces under your butt cheeks?” AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! That was the lowest point of all.

After the spraying and drying was done, she asked me to follow her into a stand up tanning bed to help set the color in. I’d never been in a stand-up bed before (I know I’m really dating myself now), and as I stepped inside, still in front of a stranger in my little skivvies, still in the hairnet that she’d put on me, she stuck some stickers over my eyes that I could barely see through and asked me to step into, what looked like, a tall narrow cage and grab the straps above my head. I said, “Is this a torture chamber?” She just smiled and shut the door and I was blasted by blinding lights and 90 mile-per-hour winds blowing from above and below me.

I will say that, at least so far, this tan’s lookin‘ pretty dang good, but is anything worth all that? I’ll just be sittin‘ here in my loose fitting clothes, with spray gunk all over me, unable to bathe for the next 24 hrs. There’s no way a tan back was worth that.

*Please read BKaminski’s comment (the second comment). Oh, so hilarious!

**For those who feel left hangin‘ on Dapple’s status (Did I actually let my daughter witness my humiliation?!): I asked, when I made my appointment if I could bring my 2yr old. I offered to come at night, baby free, but she said her Dad would be there to keep an eye on her, so bring her on! How accommodating was that? Mary Aplin was watching cartoons and eating a snack just on the other side of the evil door 🙂 Seriously though, if you’re in Birmingham and you want to brave the spray, this is a link to where I went and Shelley made it all as un-awkward as possible and did a great job…I think. I still haven’t taken a shower to know for sure 🙂

17 Responses to “Oh. My. Goodness.”

  1. Darby says:

    How am I first? You are hilarious. Serouisly hilarious. I have a funny story about thong panties— remind me to tell you soon. Please show us your golden tan. I'm not sure it was worth it or not– what did Dapples do during all of this? At least she can't talk to re-tell your tale to total strangers!! 🙂

  2. BKaminski says:

    So I am going to share this story and it might be on the line of TMI but it is pretty funny none the less. SO a few years ago in college I was asked to go to a formal, since they are usually in feb I was also looking mighty white a couple of the girls in my sorority swore by this spray tan lady right off campus so I went ahead and booked an appointment. Being warned before hand that a thong would be the best option I found an old ugly one that was a bit too big because I did not want to ruin any nice ones. So i get the spray tan done and it sets in and were off to NOLA. First night we are there we go out I'm in jeans and a top and all of these men keep staring at me and I cant figure out why so I'm looking around all confused when the bar tender says "ya know what there lookin at doncha?" I shake my head no and he informs me that I have a really nice thong tan line sticking WAY up out of the back of my pants. I run to the bathroom and see that due to the fact I chose a thong that was too big I had a "Daytona beach-esq" thong tan line for all to see half way up my back. I wore my shirt tucked in the rest of the night.

  3. andi says:

    No pun intended Darby—"tell your tale." heeehee. couldn't resist!
    Abby—you are crackin' me up. Whooops-no pun intended there either. LOL
    Would love to see what it turned out like. I have always wondered about it too. No shower though kinda gets me…

  4. melissa richie says:

    Nice, Abby! That's hilarious.

    I have the same question as Darby…where was Dapples?

    And as for Jeremiah and Taylor…good for them! As horrible as it may have been, what a sacrifice they made for John David 🙂 Taylor may owe him for life!!

  5. Elaine says:

    hilarious! where did you go? I've never gotten one, but know a bunch of gals that have and they did not have an even tan at all. I long to be a little colorful in the winter but don't want cancer, so I'd love a recommendation if you still like it in a few days.

    Have you ever gotten a bikini wax? WOW. talk about embarrassing… not to mention PAIN!

  6. Lindsay says:

    AHHHH Can't wait to compare stories and tans!!! Do you know I was told not to brush my teeth last night for fear of streaks down your chin???? No Shower, sure! No brushing your teeth, hmmm might be pushing it!P.s. the tanning world has come a longgg way since our college days!

  7. Lauren says:

    I go to sunsource! Shelley is very nice (and chatty). I haven't been in awhile so my minutes have probably expired. She has her daughter there a lot so she ought to just let us all bring our kids there while we tan. There is a totally sketchy laundromat next to ShangriLa that says "TAN" on the sign that I think Lindsay P has been to before. I can only imagine what a spraytan from there would look like!

  8. mitzi says:

    Abby, Thank you for great Friday night entertainment. Anything J and T sing is wonderful to me. Tanning in any form is not for sissies. I try not to think about who has been there, why am I here and who are these very nice people working here. The leg tanner is my fav and in my mind is the least germ free area. You will look great Sat night!

  9. Hillary @ The Other Mama says:

    I love it!! hahaha! I have done the booth spray tanning thing a few times, but not the one where someone personally does it with a gun thingy next to the cheeks. 🙂 SO funny. And I hope to see a pic of you in that cute dress! I'm sure you will look nice and summer tan! It's got to be worth it, right?

  10. ~mott says:

    Haven't tried it yet but might some time. I do enjoy a tan and tan easily but am much more cautious due to age and skin cancer. Commenter Elaine mentioned the waxing. My son's former girlfriend does the Brazilian Waxes and I cannot even begin to imagine that. Talk about no dignity left, I wouldn't have an ounce. But that's probably because I'm in my 50s and that's the last thing I need!

  11. Melissa says:

    Oh, too funny! I've never had a spray tan, but I've wondered what it's like. Keep us posted on how long it lasts, etc.!

  12. Benzoo says:

    This is one of the most honest, authentic, and funniest posts I have EVER read. I spit my drink out I was laughing so hard. Thank you for brightening up my day ! You really need to think about writing a book – You are a wonderful writer 🙂
    Blessings , Michelle

  13. Kellie says:

    Seriously, I'm reading this on monday morning and it is MAKING MY DAY!!!! I just got back from a tennis tournament with 2 girls who both got spray tans for their brother's wedding a week ago – and they had us ROLLING with the funny stories!!! Oh the horror we go through to look good!!! Thanks for sharing and be sure and post of picture!!!!

  14. Taylor says:

    Hey Abby,
    first it was kind of yall to show up to the event – if not there would have been NO ONE listening – so thanks for being a sweet sister with your mom camera – and a little sidenote – the fundraiser was GIVEN by the med school for Haiti – it sounds like the med school was raising money so they could buy books – ha ha:) I am sure your tan looked lovely.

  15. DeCoudres Family says:

    Abby, I found your blog through Mallory's and I love reading it….it's refreshing to hear your honesty!
    Meg DeCoudres

  16. The Savage Family says:

    I just read your blog and can not stop laughing!!!! My BIL os getting married in 2 months and my mother in law have had a few discussions about it – neither one of us ever have done anything like it before. I had to send her the link. I think you look GREAT!

  17. Debbie Nix says:

    you make me laugh…life's little embarrassing moments. You seemed to have handled it well…thanks for the laugh..was the tan worth it?

Leave a Comment